SCRIPT

So the folowing exchanges occured over SMS between actor Angus Keech and myself, Tobias Manderson-Galvin, during a rehearsal of Smudged where we decided to enact a fight scene entirely via text message (to the horror of those onlooking). They had no idea what we were doing all they saw was the occasional shift in body position or one of us emitting a groan whilst we fiddled away on our smartphones. The aim was to kill the other player. It took forever.

So when you read the texts below bare in mind it's not a quick scene. It's like three minutes long; filled with angst and absolutely Hilarious/horrible/wonderful.

Here's what happened (all spelling errors have been left in and i've no idea what the last one means either)....

ANGUS

I kick u in the shin. Really hard

TOBIAS

Yourhead explodes

TOBIAS

I hit you

ANGUS

your penis explodes

TOBIAS

I have another p

TOBIAS

I take yours

TOBIAS

I kick you

TOBIAS
You have to wee really bad

ANGUS

My penis then jumps into your mouth and u die of suffocation

TOBIAS

I mkjy

ANGUS

My penis then jumps into your mouth and u die of suffocation

Yeah so that took about a minute and a half at least. probably more like three minutes though.

Excrutiating. :)

Later that night angus resent this to me as i was falling asleep

ANGUS

My penis then jumps into your mouth and u die of suffocation

I lol'd myself to sleep, needless to say.

We tried the scene and the whole concept again today, and here's what happened....

*firstly angus used some godawful smartphone app that sounded like a shotgungun and tried to shoot me with it- with varying results and then...*

TOBIAS

I have a force field

TOBIAS

I poo in your mouth

TOBIAS

And tape it shut

ANGUS
I vomit in your eyes

TOBIAS

I tie your hands thrther

TOBIAS

I stab your mind

ANGUS

I kill you with a glow stick. Racer style

TOBIS

What is racer style

ANGUS

Ur dead

And so another high stakes battle was enacted. This is like the worst kind of role playing, without rules, and in a setting where no one knows what's happening except the two actors. Brilliant.